Stress causes Earth to explode
An overly-tidy, well-behaved planetary drama containing cigarettes, crack-pots (not cocaine), three sacrifices and one surprise cartoon ending.
Produced by: George (my) Pal
Directed by: Rudolph (my) Maté
Costumes by: Edith (the) Head
Re-enacted in approx 1,460 words including various notations while trying to decide between this
Would have preferred Cherry Garcia
Random Music of Doom. Fire and fire balls as follows:
Fireball – When
Fireball – Collide
Followed by bluish smoke, probably from one of the camera guy’s cigarettes.
Opening shot. The Holy Bible.
Cue Random Angelic Singing.
“And God looked upon the Earth, and behold, it was corrupt; for all flesh had corrupted his way upon Earth.”
Then something about Noah plus the end of flesh plus violence plus behold plus I’m going to destroy the Earth.
Fake stars in fake outer-space and a voice-over that no matter how many times I select English wants to speak in German.
“There are more stars in heaven than men on earth.”
Scene 1. Secrecy. South Africa. Makey-up Observatory. Dr. Bronson talks to Paul and Stanley. (Note: Paul Stanley from KISS. My observation not the movie-makers obviously)
Dr. Bronson: “It’s a frightening discovery.” Doesn’t seem frightened.
Call Dave Randall who is flying a plane and smooching up a blonde with big fat 1951 pre-Botox lips.
Enter Randall. “Hi Paul. Hi Stan.”
Dr. Bronson (smoking pipe): “Time is all that matters. Money doesn’t matter at all.”
Some back and forth about ‘oh yes it does’ and Dr. Bronson says a time will come when it won’t matter but that time isn’t exactly now you rich bastard, is it. (Note: no one in this movie calls anyone else in this movie a bastard)
Randall handcuffed to Black Box and given photos of Professor Hendron who awaits delivery of same.
Scene 2. The Black Box. Flirty stewardess. The ladies love Randall! The Sentinel will offer Randall 5large to tell what’s in The Box.
Joyce Hendron has neat hair, pearls and a secret. Donovan from The Sentinel offers Randall 7.5large to tell him what’s in The Box.
Randall doesn’t know what’s in The Box.
Joyce: “The public can’t have the information prematurely.”
Followed by: “I haven’t the courage to face the end of the world.”
Randall: taps fingers on case while his eyes say ‘what a loo-lah’.
Professor Hendron’s office. Tony loves Joyce. He is a medical doctor. Smoke cigarettes. Doomsday? Exact science. Smoke cigarettes. Doomsday? Meeting. Black Box. 1.5large. Differential Analyzing.
Calculations. Joyce has a ruler.
Scientists with manicures and nail varnish.
Bellus – Big. Ass. Planet.
Zyra – Smaller. Ass. Planet.
Professor Hendron: “Dr. Fry. Note the position of these new bodies.”
Dr. Fry: “Yes. Yes I see.”
Both bodies are heading towards Earth.
“If Doctor Bronson’s calculations are correct, they will destroy the earth.”
Might have some of these
Rudolph (my) Maté’s direction to Joyce: Enter the room wearing a face of disaster. Joyce enters the room wearing a face of constipation. There is no error. Earth is screwed. (Note: my thoughts while refraining from using the ‘f’ word)
Drinking, dancing, smoking, dancing, laughing.
Drunken Randall lights money with fire underneath chafing dish. Lights cigarette with money.
Rudolph (my) Maté’s direction for woman at next table: First, laugh. Then show interest. Then display indignation and make it really obvious that you are acting.
Joyce dances with Tony flirts with Randall dances with Tony flirts with Randall and Tony wants to marry her. (Note: Joyce has commitment issues)
Randall keeps lighting money on fire to light his cigarettes.
Scene 3. Scientific Scorn. Big conference of delegates wearing clichéd outfits.
Next July 24th: Zyra will be here by lunchtime. (Note: lunch is for wimps)
Next August 12th: Bellus will crush earth in the morning. (Note: better not show up before coffee)
We all need to move to Zyra!
Astronomer from Cornwall: “Predicting the end of the world is an annual crack-pot event in our society.”
Lots of clapping and the doomsday scientists are laughed out of the UN.
Rich guys will pay towards building of Rocket Ship.
Scene 4. Stanton’s Money. Here comes Mr. Stanton. Here comes his slave Ferris who is pushing Stanton’s wheelchair. Stanton has a face like an asteroid. He’s spoken to the other astronomers.
“They think you’re a crack-pot.”
Stanton is rich. He has ego issues and a god-complex.
“I get to choose who goes.”
Professor Hendron is so pissed off at him. Much debating.
Stanton: “You know I can’t refuse. Build it.”
You know I can't refuse
Scene 5. Preparing the Rocket Ship. Top Male (chauvinist) Engineers selected. Big chalky diagram with notes and symbols.
“Bitches, this is our ride outta here.” (Note: no one actually says this)
Top Women (incubators) selected. Good technicians!
You’re healthy = time to make the babies. (Note: no one actually says this)
Secret camp. Suitcases. Bunker.
The sign says: Waste anything except TIME. Time is our shortest material.
Microfilm Lab. Slow pan of books. Bible. Shakespeare. Anatomy. Mathematics. Agriculture. (Note: nothing to read while on the toilet)
Chickens. Sheep. Cows. (Note: so much for the vegetarians) Horses. (Note: don’t go there)
Joyce is cold to Tony. Stanton with a face like Mars is mean to Ferris.
Stanton has rifle issues. Law of the jungle. The human jungle. People won’t act civilised.
Scene 6. Evacuation. Big. Ass. TV. Announcement. Matter of life and death. Not looking so good for humanity.
Joyce wants Randall to go on Rocket Ship.
Randall: “You won’t need an aerial taxi driver for another hundred years.”
Orderly evacuation. No panic. No mayhem. Much praying and atoning.
Idiots. You’re not going to Zyra. You’re going to die. Demand drugs, booze, more cigarettes. (Note: my thoughts on the matter not the makers of the movie I’m sure)
New York is a ghost-town.
Scene 7. The Hour of Doom. “One O’clock. The Hour of Doom.” Much clock staring. Nothing happens. Stanton yelling and yelling with a face like a meteor.
“I think all you scientists are crack-pots!”
Shaky camera. Dust. Blackout. Flashlight. Shaky camera. Volcano! Drizzle of lava! Collapsing bridge. Fire. Tidal wave.
The Rocket Ship is breaking loose. Crane falls on top of Doctor Bronson. Dead.
Tony is pissed off at Randall.
People stranded on a rock in the water. Two tents. Two nurses. Helicopter drops boxes. Flies off. Stranded forever with three days worth of supplies. Worse than ‘The Road’.
Scene 8. Lottery. Flight restricted to 7,000 pounds of peoples. Professor says this equals 44 persons.
Science jargon about fuel. Fuel usage. Fuel efficiency. Let’s pick numbers!
Stanton has a face like a giant planetoid.
Randall refuses to go. Joyce wants him to go. They just go on and on and on and on…
Scene 9. A Reason to Go. Big glowing red planet. Bellus.
Day 7. Announcer is a moan: “We’re falling behind schedule.”
Day 6. Announcer is a nag: “We’re still falling behind schedule. Hurry.”
Rocket Ship interior contains more metal chairs than a High School Prom.
Day 4. Announcer is getting on my nerves: “We’re still more than 3 hours behind schedule. Make it up. Hurry.”
Day 3. Randall loves Joyce.
Tony. Randall. Chat. Once we take off, everyone is going to blackout. Fry has a bad heart. Tony saw the cardiogram. He may not make it. Randall is life insurance. Now he has a reason to go.
Announcer is an anal-retentive, time-obsessed whine: “We’re still 32 minutes behind schedule.”
Scene 10. The Chosen Few.
Sacrifice #1. Eddie returns his number because girlfriend Julie wasn’t chosen.
Ferris. Gun. Steals Eddie’s number. I’m going.
Bang-Bang-Bang. Stanton with a face like a moon-pie shoots Ferris.
Space outfits. Short Monk raincoat things and a beanie. Edith (the) Head on corn nuts.
Get on the Rocket Ship. Angry mob finds guns. Bang-Bang-Bang.
Sacrifice #2. Professor Hendron wheels Stanton, face like a pile of wet cement, away from Rocket Ship. Closes gang plank.
Scene 11. Journey to a New World. Joyce shocked. Everyone naps. Bellus is going to smash into Earth! (Note: stressed out by impending doom, Earth explodes before Bellus even touches it)
Wake up. Fry is still alive. Tony fibbed about heart problems.
Sacrifice #3. Tony lets Joyce and Randall be in love.
Wobbly Rocket Ship.
“Check your belts.”
Rudolph (my) Maté’s direction to the passengers: “Look nervous. Jostle your head from side to side. Scream.”
Cue Cheerful Music.
“Test the atmosphere.”
“Bring out the gang plank.”
“Best air I ever tasted.” (Note: worst cartoon set I ever saw)
Cue Angelic Singing
"What's up Doc"
“The first day on the New World had begun…”
(Note: After 3 weeks on the New World spurned Tony lures Randall into a maze of caves inhabited by Barney and all his friends. Joyce blows up Tony with Marvin the Martian’s ‘Illudium Q-36 (or PU-36) Explosive Space Modulator’ then falls in love with SpongeBob. Fry turns out to be a Transformer who falls in love with the Rocket Ship. The Top Men Engineers and Top Women Incubators turn out to be completely incompatible except for Eddie and Julie but they can only do so much. The sheep eventually take over, start the Acme Sweater Company and export lovely Zyran woollen-wear across the galaxy. Note: except, of course, to Earth)